So awhile back just after I joined the gym I was getting several text messages and phone calls from them... You see they wanted to recruit my friends to the gym but I didn't give them my friends numbers I gave them mine; and thus I was receiving recruiting messages even though I was a member. One of the texts I got (and the last) was as follows:
ass just for stopping by!
Call or text back what time
you would like to stop by and
I'll get you hooked up.
Paul
LA Fitness
I hadn't realized that the gym also gave out bootie... If I'd known that perhaps I would have joined earlier. So I called and asked for Paul to see if he could clarify his message to me. He denied that he sent the message and thought I must have deleted the first half. (I checked with my brother-in-law who was also getting the text messages and he got the same message offering up ass.) To prove Paul wrong I drove to the gym and asked Paul and his manager to please acknowledge the text. Apparently the message was supposed to read Free Guest Pass just for stopping by.
The sucky part is after all this ring-amoral I didn't get any bootie, a free guest pass, or an apology for unwanted sexual texts.
December 31, 2011
November 28, 2011
Petite Lady!
For those of you who don't know me personally in order for this post to make sense, I must mention that similar to my icon, the Yellowtail Damselfish, I am fairly petite (under 5' tall). Since I believe in being honest my online profiles reflect this. I have received several odd emails or live chat messages regarding my size. Some just question it and think it was a mistake but others are a little more interesting and memorable:
Introductory Chat Message: You must get asked out by a lot of high schoolers
(In case you were curious; I've never been asked out by a high schooler. Even when I was in high school.)
Introductory Chat Message: You must get asked out by a lot of high schoolers
(In case you were curious; I've never been asked out by a high schooler. Even when I was in high school.)
Him: You're so small you could fit inside my pocket
Me: Depends on the size of the pocket I suppose
Him: I'm 6' 3" so my pockets are pretty large
(I've never tried to fit in a pocket before. Though, as my friends know, I do fit in a good sized duffel bag pretty easily)
Email: Would it be shallow of me to say I'm writing because I adore petite females or that your smile is the cutest thing ever?
(I'm not sure that makes him shallow, I am sure that it makes him male, I'm not sure that I responded to the email)
Email: I have a thang for short women! Want to get to know this
6'8" tall, romantic and sensual man? I'm a bad boy in good boy clothing!!
(6'8" wholly fuck, yeah I didn't respond to that one. Guys over 5'10" make me self conscious)
Should I say Yes?
A new funny email just arrived:
Your very beautiful, would you consider going to a formal ball event with me? I am Charles by the way...
I've never been invited to a formal ball... Should I say yes?
Your very beautiful, would you consider going to a formal ball event with me? I am Charles by the way...
I've never been invited to a formal ball... Should I say yes?
November 22, 2011
Monkey Business: Part 1
Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since I've posted. I have been trying to find the perfect time to reveal the monkey business stories and I think now might be good.
Where to start... I started talking to this guy online. He was a massage therapists, vegan (I'm a vegetarian so it kinda fit), and I think he played a music instrument of some sort. After talking a week or so we decided it was time to meet in person, our first date was to an Italian restaurant a place we could both find something to eat. He got there two minutes before me so when I arrived he was already seated. As I approached the booth I realized that there was something fluffy sitting next to him and once I got to the booth the fluff turned into a stuffed animal monkey. At first I thought perhaps he brought it as a gift which was cute but a little weird for a first date. Then (lets call him) Micah introduced me to the fluffy friend which was not just a stuffed animal but a stuffed animal backpack. The monkey backpack was named Jorge and apparently a close friend of his.
But it didn't end there... Jorge also contributed to parts of the conversation and gave me advice on what drink to order. Other than Jorge the date went very well, conversation was interesting, he was entertaining, kinda cute, and he paid for the dinner.
Then as we walked out he put on the backpack, except he put it on the front side (like a baby) so when he hugged me goodbye my breasts were pushed into Jorge's face. Awkward!
Where to start... I started talking to this guy online. He was a massage therapists, vegan (I'm a vegetarian so it kinda fit), and I think he played a music instrument of some sort. After talking a week or so we decided it was time to meet in person, our first date was to an Italian restaurant a place we could both find something to eat. He got there two minutes before me so when I arrived he was already seated. As I approached the booth I realized that there was something fluffy sitting next to him and once I got to the booth the fluff turned into a stuffed animal monkey. At first I thought perhaps he brought it as a gift which was cute but a little weird for a first date. Then (lets call him) Micah introduced me to the fluffy friend which was not just a stuffed animal but a stuffed animal backpack. The monkey backpack was named Jorge and apparently a close friend of his.
But it didn't end there... Jorge also contributed to parts of the conversation and gave me advice on what drink to order. Other than Jorge the date went very well, conversation was interesting, he was entertaining, kinda cute, and he paid for the dinner.
Then as we walked out he put on the backpack, except he put it on the front side (like a baby) so when he hugged me goodbye my breasts were pushed into Jorge's face. Awkward!
October 6, 2011
Hi
So today I got two new emails to my PoF account. I was kind of excited and went to check them. But I have to admit these were the most disappointing emails ever.
The subject line for both of them were Hi. Not a bad start, I usually go with Hello so I can't really disagree with Hi for a starter. Then I opened the messages and both of them were simple and sweet and said "Hi."
Seriously, you finally get the courage to message me and the only thing you say is hi... twice?! No: how is your day going, your profile says you like the outdoors what's your favorite outdoor activity, you have a nice smile, I am super cool and you should message me because I am super cool.
The crappy part is I get at least one of these a week, and I delete them all. I don't even look at their profile. Such a let down!
The subject line for both of them were Hi. Not a bad start, I usually go with Hello so I can't really disagree with Hi for a starter. Then I opened the messages and both of them were simple and sweet and said "Hi."
Seriously, you finally get the courage to message me and the only thing you say is hi... twice?! No: how is your day going, your profile says you like the outdoors what's your favorite outdoor activity, you have a nice smile, I am super cool and you should message me because I am super cool.
The crappy part is I get at least one of these a week, and I delete them all. I don't even look at their profile. Such a let down!
September 29, 2011
Profile Photos
So I've been getting more serious about the online dating thing recently and have found a very interesting trend in the photographs that men post of themselves. I can not explain to you just how many men post pictures of themselves in either or both of these scenarios:
In the bathroom mirror
Sitting in the driver's seat of what I assume to be their car
I conducted a random search of 25 men and found that 36% had pictures of them sitting in their car and 56% had pictures of them in the bathroom. My advice to male readers (if there are any):
1. Wash the mirror in your bathroom before taking the picture
2. Hang a towel or pretty shower curtain a plain white bathroom wall with an empty towel hanger is depressing, sterile, and a bit creepy
3. Although I did appreciate the men who were being safe and wearing their seatbelt in the car it does make me a little nervous, were you driving while taking this picture?
4. Lastly... Find a friend and have them take a picture of you. I think pictures "in the moment" are more realistic and interesting
But who am I to judge, I am sure that several of the 56% of men that stand in the bathroom with their shirts off making kissy face to the mirror will find a woman to love them, it just probably won't be me. (It all depends on just how sexy the kissy face was.)
In the bathroom mirror
Sitting in the driver's seat of what I assume to be their car
I conducted a random search of 25 men and found that 36% had pictures of them sitting in their car and 56% had pictures of them in the bathroom. My advice to male readers (if there are any):
1. Wash the mirror in your bathroom before taking the picture
2. Hang a towel or pretty shower curtain a plain white bathroom wall with an empty towel hanger is depressing, sterile, and a bit creepy
3. Although I did appreciate the men who were being safe and wearing their seatbelt in the car it does make me a little nervous, were you driving while taking this picture?
4. Lastly... Find a friend and have them take a picture of you. I think pictures "in the moment" are more realistic and interesting
But who am I to judge, I am sure that several of the 56% of men that stand in the bathroom with their shirts off making kissy face to the mirror will find a woman to love them, it just probably won't be me. (It all depends on just how sexy the kissy face was.)
September 18, 2011
Subject: WOW!
Found this message in my PoF inbox this evening and had to share it with you all.
YOU ARE DEFINITELY MARRIAGE MATERIAL!!!
Can we meet so we can begin our honey moon sooner than later?
Running, biking, swimming, cooking, microbrews, and dancing like no one's watching are all fun!
Wanna meet up for coffee and determine if we should have another date?
Mike
p/s- I appreciate your honesty
Can we meet so we can begin our honey moon sooner than later?
Running, biking, swimming, cooking, microbrews, and dancing like no one's watching are all fun!
Wanna meet up for coffee and determine if we should have another date?
Mike
p/s- I appreciate your honesty
The Airing of Grievances
Last summer I had a summer boyfriend or boy toy, as some people liked to call him, but for this story let's refer to him as Harry. Although he had his positive attributes, enough to keep me around for the four months, he also had his moments of... imperfection, awkwardness, and immaturity especially for a 34 year old man.
After a date, I think we had gone to dinner, we went back to my mom's house, where I was living that summer. My mom was also on a date and I didn't know when she'd get home so I asked Harry to stay with me till she got back. That day it was really hot and upon entering the house Harry decided he needed to take off his shirt and whine about how hot he was. This I found incredibly odd as he grew up in Nevada. To make him feel better I turned on the oscillating tower fan that was a few feet away from the front door by the TV which blew directly toward the couch. However, this was not enough of a cooling relief for Harry. He felt that he was so hot he needed to strip to his boxers and continue to whine. I asked him to please put back on his clothes because I didn't know when my mom would be home. Harry replied with "Like your mom has never seen a boy in boxers before." As I was coming up with my next argument to try and convince him to put his pants back on, he walked toward the fan pulled down his boxers and began to wave his penis in front of it. After taking a few seconds to get over the shock of finding a 6 year old boy in front of me I reminded him that my mom was on a date and that he may walk her to the door or come inside. Fortunately for my mother, her date, and myself his response was "Yeah that might be weird," and proceeded to put back on his pants.
Although Harry continued to be sensitive to the heat for the majority of the summer, that was the only time I caught him 'airing himself' in front of the fan.
After a date, I think we had gone to dinner, we went back to my mom's house, where I was living that summer. My mom was also on a date and I didn't know when she'd get home so I asked Harry to stay with me till she got back. That day it was really hot and upon entering the house Harry decided he needed to take off his shirt and whine about how hot he was. This I found incredibly odd as he grew up in Nevada. To make him feel better I turned on the oscillating tower fan that was a few feet away from the front door by the TV which blew directly toward the couch. However, this was not enough of a cooling relief for Harry. He felt that he was so hot he needed to strip to his boxers and continue to whine. I asked him to please put back on his clothes because I didn't know when my mom would be home. Harry replied with "Like your mom has never seen a boy in boxers before." As I was coming up with my next argument to try and convince him to put his pants back on, he walked toward the fan pulled down his boxers and began to wave his penis in front of it. After taking a few seconds to get over the shock of finding a 6 year old boy in front of me I reminded him that my mom was on a date and that he may walk her to the door or come inside. Fortunately for my mother, her date, and myself his response was "Yeah that might be weird," and proceeded to put back on his pants.
Although Harry continued to be sensitive to the heat for the majority of the summer, that was the only time I caught him 'airing himself' in front of the fan.
September 5, 2011
Someone chose you!
Is it bad that every time I get a message from okaycupid that says: Someone Chose You! "One of these 9 people just gave you high marks (4 or 5 stars) on Quickmatch. Congratulations!" I can't help but think to myself well yeah cause I'm a catch!
September 2, 2011
A lesson on spooning!
During my senior year of college a friend of mine and I made it a habit to go out to the bars every Friday night for a month. This was an attempt to have fun and find boys (Point of Advice: don't go to a trashy karaoke bar to find guys). We, to my surprise at the time, were rather successful in finding someone on a regular basis. On one of these such nights we happened to find two guys that were nice enough to walk us back to my friends place and make out with us on the door step. I thought that was the end of it as neither of us heard from them the following week.
However I was wrong... Two weeks later I got a late night phone call from a drunk Chris, lets call him, and the conversation went approximately as follows:
However I was wrong... Two weeks later I got a late night phone call from a drunk Chris, lets call him, and the conversation went approximately as follows:
Me: Hello
Chris: Hi it's Chris from the bar awhile back
Me: Oh Hi
Chris: How are you doing tonight?
Me: Fine watching TV
Chris: Can I come over?
Me: It's kind of late
Chris: I was hoping maybe we could have sex
Me: I don't have sex with people before a first date
Chris: Doesn't the night at the bar count?
Me: No, I still don't know much about you
Chris: What else do you want to know?
Me: How many siblings do you have?
Chris: Two, a sister and a brother. Now can I come over?
Me: NO
Chris: I know where you live remember I walked you home
Me: You walked me to my friends house, that wasn't my place
Chris: Oh right shit.... Well you have to at least give me points for being honest with you. I just want to come over there and do you in the ass...
Me: Wow... Umm yeah except I don't sleep with people that I don't know
Chris: Well we could just cuddle then
Me: It's a little late
Chris: I'm really good at spooning, I'll spoon the shit out of you!!!
~Click~
August 22, 2011
Bowling
Another "awesome" email I received was earlier this summer through PoF, unfortunately the website deletes emails older than 30 days so I no longer have a copy of it I will do my best, however, to repeat the best parts. Lets see, I believe it started with some introduction on how he thought I was pretty and then continued with...
I really appreciated the order of operations in this email kissing and then a date, it usually my preference to do those two in reverse. You have to give him credit for being specific and honest, he wants to kiss me on the lips not the cheek, neck, hand, forehead, etc. And bowling wow I can't tell you how romantic bowling is for a first date; the smell of the shoes, cheap nasty beer, and groups of teenagers or old men who are all bowling better than me. But lets not stop there we still have the "old fashion companionship" which to be honest I'm not sure I'm looking for and there is this whole question of rolling around which has me completely stumped.
Um yeah...
I would like to kiss you on the lips and then take you bowling. Don't be afraid to meet me I'm just looking for old fashion companionship. We could be friends laugh together and roll around.
I really appreciated the order of operations in this email kissing and then a date, it usually my preference to do those two in reverse. You have to give him credit for being specific and honest, he wants to kiss me on the lips not the cheek, neck, hand, forehead, etc. And bowling wow I can't tell you how romantic bowling is for a first date; the smell of the shoes, cheap nasty beer, and groups of teenagers or old men who are all bowling better than me. But lets not stop there we still have the "old fashion companionship" which to be honest I'm not sure I'm looking for and there is this whole question of rolling around which has me completely stumped.
Um yeah...
August 17, 2011
Zombies
Deciding which story to tell first is hard, so I've decided to start with things men have said to me or asked...
"Read your profile, and wanted to know more. Now there is a chance you will be chasing me out of town as part of a mob armed with pitch forks (I hate when that happens), but I think it is worth the risk. Come chat a bit. It's more fun to do in person at 3am while on a taco run, but this will do for the moment.
Tell me the interesting things about you like... What is your favorite holiday? Do you have a weapon of choice for dealing with the impending zombie invasion? If you only had $5 to spend, but wanted to have fun on a weekend how/what would you do"
Perhaps some of you ladies may have responded to this message, but I was too confused about the pitch forks and the impending zombie invasions to respond and decided to let this one go. Since then I have come up with several zombie weaponry... machete (quiet and sharp), a bow (also quiet and can kill from a distance), or my favorite an airport tower (exclusive and has a very good view).
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