A late night drive

I recently found myself driving home a really drunk guy, I mean totally smashed, like his button up sweatshirt was on upside-down. I don't know how exactly this happened as only 2.5 hours earlier I had been making out with him in my car and then dropped him at a friends house. Well anyway, the trip was quite a riot as many hilarious things were said by this extremely drunk boy to me but there is one that I must share with you all...

We were talking about something I don't really remember perhaps about me turning onto a new street as he was very concerned that I was going in the wrong direction or maybe about how he had just dropped his phone and now it was floating somewhere in my car... but out of, what seemed to me as, the blue he popped this statement:

Lets go all the way!

I laughed. I literally couldn't hold it in and I just laughed/kinda choked a bit. No one had every said that to me (I mean not in those words) and it did seem extremely odd and out of place given that we were driving and not making out or something. And there was no way I was going to "go all the way" with him when he was that drunk...

He recovered very quickly though and said

Lets go all the way home!

To which my reply was: don't you worry we are definitely going all the way home!

Ooops

I dont understand why can't i win you over??? I dotn get it I have treid to use the smart intellectual side. i tried to use the adeveturous side to me. I tried to use the funny humors side to me. I even tried the random and crazy part to me.

I am running out of ideas to try and win you over.

okay what about this. I will try and win you over with my artist individual side to me.


I'm not so sure what is so artistic about all the spelling and grammar mistakes that he used but I think maybe he should try for the smart intellectual side a little harder. Except of course that I don't remember his other emails. Ooops.

How cute am I?

I think ur cuter then a box full of kittens and teddy bears plus love the profile i am sorta new to this it seems like i lack the skills of describing myself so if u like to know more just ask u seem like a pretty sweet gurl i hope to hear back from u :)

~ Sam

Another keeper?!

****stop: Warning!: I am not your 'nice guy'. ****

First off, I am NOT here to play games, so if you are NOT interested in sex, then I highly suggest you hit the back button now.
Also:
IF YOU ARE TALLER THAN 5’9 THEN PLEASE HIT THE BACK BUTTON NOW !! I like my women on the petite side. Sorry if I sound like a douche, but that’s just how I feel.
With that said, I am looking for a woman. NOT a girl.
Oh yes, and you MUST have a tattoo on your lower back. That is a turn on for me. If you do NOT have a tattoo on your lower back, then you are NOT date-able.
Also.. IF YOU ARE OVER 28, I WILL DELETE YOUR MESSAGE. I WILL NOT DATE A GIRL WHO IS THAT OLD.
Also, I only date women who are fit. You must work out and have at least a set of “C’s”. Anything less and you will be deleted from my inbox. Sorry if I sound like a **stard, but I know what I want.
Also, if you wear pants, I will NOT date you. You must wear a skirt. Wearing pants is ghetto, and I do not date ghetto.
Oh, and I don’t like girls who watch soap operas, chick flicks, and Sex in the city. If you do, or have, we will NOT get along.
You MUST be able to make me laugh! If you can't then there will be no next step.

He also claims that he is the sweetest guy you will ever meet... but I think not. 

Cupid?

So about 4 years ago this guy asked me if I wanted to meet him and some friends at a bar the next evening. I said yes and returned home to tell my brand new roommate. I asked her if she would come with me because I was nervous and I thought it would be a great way for both of us to meet new people. Well those 4 years have passed and now that guy and my roommate are engaged to be married. .... you're welcome!

Funny thing is this is not the first time I have accidentally played cupid for my friends. I also unintentionally paired my best friend with her husband. He was talking to me about his new professional interests which happened to be very similar to my best friends interests and I told him that he needed to give her a call... and voila!!

Now I'm not saying I'm mad or jealous, I'm just saying...  
will some one please return the favor already!!!

Am I a good Kisser?

I was making out with someone recently and as we paused to catch our breaths and look into each others eyes I decided to ask the classic question.... What are you thinking about? His response... Whether or not I'm a good kisser.

I have to admit I have never really given much thought to whether or not I was a good kisser.

We all know there are bad kissers out there... right? I haven't actually run into one but I'm sure they exist.

So what is it that really goes into kissing that makes one good or bad?

Lips - Soft smooth and full good dry and cracked bad
Tongue - Not too wet, not too forceful, doesn't do weird things?
Head Position - You don't want to bump foreheads or squish noses
Hands - Behind the neck good, cheek okay, back great, wandering maybe okay

I have to admit I'm not sure I see it. Sure I have had a few really amazing kisses but I think for the most part I'm just happy that someone is kissing me.

So I guess to me unless you're awful you're good...?

What's most important though is that I thought he was a good kisser (especially when he went for my neck OMG!!) and he thought that I was a good kisser.

So yay! I guess I'm a good kisser!

Take 2

I know you were all sitting on the edge of your seats waiting to find out.... did he stand you up again??

No, no he didn't. Thank goodness. Although it did take him till 5pm that evening to tell me what the plans were. 

This time I was late. But only like 10 mins late and only because I couldn't find parking anywhere.

The date was fine a little awkward. When our feet would accidentally touch each other under the table instead of it being a cute flirtatious moment it was an uncomfortable "oh I am so sorry." It turns out he is not disrespectful, aloof, inconsiderate, unreliable, selfish, immature, careless, insensitive, detached, and cold. Well maybe a little aloof and a total space cadet, but I might be able to accept that. 

He stood you up?

Have any of you ladies out there been stood up before? I would like to think I'm not the only one who has experienced this form of humiliation, although at the same time I do not wish it upon anyone.

I have been stood up three times in my life. Though none of them were the traditional form, I have never waited for hours in a restaurant ordering more water and checking my watch every 10mins. Mine were a little less publicly humiliating.

The first was from a friend, one whom I'd been flirting with off and on for 3.5 years of college. He or I (I don't remember) finally got the courage to ask the other out, we decided a day and a time but hadn't narrowed down the place... and then the day and the time passed with still no word from him. And I'm pretty sure nothing again for several weeks if not ever. The same event was repeated a couple years later with a guy I had met online.

Both of these events caused a slight sting but were relatively easy to brush off.

My third and most recent, however, was much more painful. This time we had agreed on the date (the day after my birthday) and the activity (getting drinks) but we had not narrowed down the exact time or place. At about 4:30 that afternoon I thought perhaps I'd text him and see what time worked for him.

Me: Hey, when did you want to get together tonight?

Max: What time is good for you?

Me: Anytime.. Do you wanna include dinner or just drinks?

And then there was silence... Being the person that I am I first got frustrated, why isn't he calling me, seriously what's the problem... we don't have to do dinner... Then around 8 I thought I'd try calling him... no answer. Around 10 (after two other attempts at calling him) I called a mutual friend...

Me: Hey have you heard from Max, recently? We're supposed to have this date/drinks thing and I haven't heard from him in like 6 hours.

Friend: No, I haven't heard from him.

Me: Do you think I'm being stood up?

Friend: No Max is a good guy. He wouldn't do that, he wouldn't treat you like that. I don't know. I'm kinda worried maybe something's wrong.

Then I got a little worried, What if there was a family emergency? What if he had car troubles, what if he got in an accident? Then I reminded myself that there was nothing I could do, I went to bed and expected to hear from him in the morning.

The next day when I didn't hear anything I was kinda devastated. What did I do? What did I say? What is wrong with me? Maybe it's my breasts, maybe my breasts aren't big enough. My height, he didn't think it was an issue for him but it is isn't it? Did I push him away? Maybe he didn't like me after all? God I SUCK. I feel like an IDIOT.  Why did I bother getting all dressed up? Why did I get so excited, it obviously didn't mean anything to him?  All the questions, emotions, and frustration.

But why? It makes sense that if you get stood up that you feel like a looser. But what about them? Shouldn't they be the person who feels like an idiot? Standing someone up means you're disrespectful, aloof, inconsiderate, unreliable, selfish, immature, careless, insensitive, detached, and cold. Right?

It took him till Saturday at 10:30pm to finally tell me what happened. His excuse was reasonably lame something about phone dying, reduced service, friends in town, lost track of time.... His apology, however, seemed genuine and he noted that he wished to make it up to me. So I waited a few days (let my emotions simmer down) and then finally wrote him back.

In theory, we have a "making it up to me date" scheduled for tomorrow... but I haven't gotten any notice of the plans.

Do you think what they say about men who cheat is true for men who stand up women?

Once a Stander Up-er (?) always and Stander Up-er?

Well we're about to find out.

Fairy Tales

Recently one of the two living ghosts in my life appeared out of nowhere and said hello. I have not heard nor seen this person for over 5 years so it gave me quiet a scare and many emotions were soon to follow. Out of this came a moment of weakness where I decided to check in on the other ghost in my life (my ex). Although I didn't send him hate mail or call him and then quickly hang up instead I went the slightly more modern route and google'd him. Silly me....

What I found was his wedding photographers blog about his wedding and a small collection of pictures. One might think seeing him so happy and her so beautiful would break my heart but it wasn't the pictures that bothered me (mostly because he looked like he'd gained weight, his smiles were all off and more on the smirky/fake side, and although she was relatively pretty I thought she looked too young for him).

No it wasn't the pictures, it was in fact the text that the photographer had written about them that really ticked me off. She stated how "he and her had a fairy tale story that he had asked her out once and she said no, so he invited her on a road trip from their college back to his home almost 3,000 miles away and that it was during the trip that she fell in love with him. Their wedding cake was adorned with a small car and a black road wrapped around it as a symbol to their beginnings."

What bothered me so much was the part of the story that was missing, there was, obviously, no mention of how he was in a relationship with another woman (me) at the time of the road trip. How he only spoke with the current girlfriend once the entire week long road trip and that his excuse for such behavior was because it would have been awkward to talk in front of his friend (now wife) (probably because he didn't want the new girlfriend hearing him talk to the current girlfriend). Nor was there any mention of how the current girlfriend dumped him because at the time she thought he was being distant, rude, and most importantly incapable of true emotion or love. (Though as it turns out it appears that maybe he was just  cheating on her.) And the fact that they would memorialize his cheating bastard self on their cake, just disgusts me.

When considering the entire story I wonder how anyone would describe this as a fairy tale? Do fairy tale relationships still exist or for that matter did they ever exist?  Or does every relationship have it's dark back story that is never retold?

And all of this makes me wonder what will be said on my wedding day, what will be our fairy tale beginning?

After several years of tirelessly searching the vast internet far and wide for his one true love he found her amongst a crowd of other women in a land called OkCupid. It took much effort to push his way through the hoards of emails and online photographs of maidens asking for his hand before he finally encountered Yellowtail Damselfish's profile.  There was something about her distinct coloring that caught his eye. She was a small but beautiful lady with just the right sense of humor, passion for the environment, and dreams for the future. Although it took him over a week after their first date at Starbucks to call her back on their second date to the zoo, as he watched her take pictures of the warthogs, he realized that he was falling in love. And as they say ... the rest was history.

You know you're an unpaid prostitute when...

So awhile back I was endeavoring in a friends with benefits.  Which I must say did not last all too long and not for the reasons you might suspect. One of us did not start having feelings for the other, neither one of us fell for someone else or found a better friends with benefits, and one of us did not move away. It ended when I started feeling like an unpaid prostitute. I had no idea that there was such a fine line between friends with benefits and prostitution but yes I think it exists and yes I think I found it.

So to help other women see the warning signs I have written this list:

You know you are an unpaid prostitute when:

1. He doesn't really care if you orgasm

2. He doesn't care what you're wearing as long as it comes off

3. He no longer attempts to get you in the mood and instead simply states "It's go time!" or "Okay, I'm ready."

4. You always have sex at his place but you never have sex in his bed

5. He doesn't have much concern for your schedule or your sex drive

6. When planning on a next meeting he only considers his schedule and seals the time with "so see you next Tuesday for sex, though I won't be available till 6, so show up then." and then when 5:45 rolls around he says he's busy and could you push it to 7

7. He doesn't take you out in public unless you ask and make all the arrangements

8.  You're responsible for sex accoutrements (lube, condoms, lingerie)

9. He's embarrassed to tell his friends about your "relationship"

10. You no longer feel like a friend and that there is just benefits, except he's the one getting all the benefits

I hope this helps those of you out there who thought a friends with benefits would be fun and easy. Watch out before you now it... it's work but with out pay or benefits!

If you don't know what DP is don't ask!

Oh my goodness, I had to share this with all of you....  I got an email from PoF telling me that this guy wanted to meet me.  He was pretty cute, his profile was interesting, and I was kinda considering messaging him when I got to the bottom of his profile and found this:

DEAL BREAKERS

1) If you drink alcohol (even if it's just a glass of wine on occasion) Well Shit!
2) If you smoke or do drugs One I actually pass!
3) If you go out to clubs or bars Oops!
4) If you have friends who are guys. I don't have a single friend who is a girl, period. So obviously I don't want to date any girl who has friends that are guys, period! I don't want you to drop your guy friends for me, I am just looking for a girl who doesn't have guy friends to begin with. Well... depends on your definition of friend...
5) If you're still in school. I'm almost 29 years old so I prefer not to date anyone who is still in college. I have nothing against school but I'm ready to settle down and I'd like to be with someone who is past that point in their life. Never plan on going back to school ever!
6) If you have kids (I don't want kids, I'm just putting it out there as to not get anyone's hopes up) You don't want kids immediately or ever?

I will not make ANY exceptions whatsoever for any of these deal breakers, if you message me and you don't meet them, I'll simply delete your email. I guess it's a no then.

And then Holy Shit!!!! :

DISCLAIMER: Of course I come with a disclaimer! I very much enjoy sex (especially when it's with someone I love) and I consider myself very adventurous and kinky in the bedroom. I feel that an amazing sex life is part of the foundation for a lasting relationship. I HAVE A HUGE FETISH FOR DOUBLE PENETRATION OR 'DP' for short (if you don't know what it is, don't ask). It's also worth noting that DP involves two (or more) guys, as well as anal sex. If you don't absolutely love and fantasize about DP constantly (almost to the point where sometimes it's all you think about when it comes to sex), or you're prude, boring, or vanilla in the bedroom, I promise I am not the guy for you. I realize this is very blunt and forward of me to put out there, and probably even makes me come across as an ass, but honestly, I am tired of getting stuck in relationships with really boring sex, that's all. I want someone who has the same fetish as me!  

Wow I mean Wow yeah...... HOLY SHIT!!! 

Seeing that I don't spend every minute of my day thinking about DP and never really thought about in my life until reading this I'm definitely not the one for him. 


 Though hey if any of you ladies out there meet his deal breakers and are also in love with DP let me know and I can give you his username. Maybe you will be his one true love!

Older Men: Vincent!

So I have a new job as an office assistant/receptionist for a small business. Most of my business's clients are people in their 40-60's. This job has been eye opening in many ways but especially in the ways of older men. Apparently I am significantly more attractive to men in their 50-60's than those in their 20-30's.  Here is one such example:

Vincent:

Vincent goes everywhere with his dog Scout by his side (his dog is absolutely wonderful and probably the best trained dog I have ever met). The first time I met Vincent and Scout I couldn't help but pull myself away from my work to play and pet Scout. This led to Vincent and I chatting, mostly about Scout. In the middle of our conversation he stopped and said "What's your name again?" "Ms. Damselfish" "Well Ms. Damselfish, you are very cute!" "Oh thanks!" Then he looked down at Scout "Scout remember those chick magnet skills we worked on, you have my okay with this one."  We both laughed, me a little awkwardly. A few seconds later he was called back to my boss's office. On our way back he said to me "If you just happen to follow us home that would be okay."

About 2 weeks later he stopped into the office again. This time he was more direct and exclaimed: "You are just too cute I want to take you home with me." I smiled and changed the subject to Scout who was sitting at my feet giving me puppy eyes. It has been a fantasy of mine to date a guy with a dog and Scout was a great dog.... Unfortunately, Vincent was 60 (older than my own father). Too bad.

Oh and later that day when I told my boss about Vincent's harmless advances he told me that Vincent was married... F***ing men. Though I suspect the next time Vincent comes in and compliments me it will still bring a smile to my face.


Oh and if you want to see why I gave it a second thought look up german shepherd and shiba inu puppies!

Monkey Business: Part 3

HINT: SCROLL SLOWLY!!!

So the moment you've all been waiting for: How things ended with me and Micah!

Between the first and second date and after the second date, Micah began texting me 3 times a day. Once in the morning to tell me good morning. Usually around 7am. Then around lunch time he liked to tell me what he had had for lunch and always asked what I was having. Then in the evening he'd either asked me how my day had gone or let me know he was going to bed. Almost all of these text were also accompanied with a Sweetie or Honey or Cutie Pie. Which frankly was starting to creep me out.

But one day all of this changed:

Micah: Hey how was your day?

Me: Pretty good, I had a job interview today, so I'm a little anxious.

Micah: Wow that's awesome!

Me: Yeah, I really hope I get it. I think it would be great

Micah: I'm sure you did great sweetie

Me: Thanks

Micah: So hey, I had a really naughty dream about you last night and can't stop thinking about you

Me: Wow, This might sound a little strange but I think this is going to fast for me

Me: I'm not ready to be your sweetie or have romantic (I meant sexual, well both really) feelings for each other

Micah: I could tell you felt that way

Micah: I was think we could be friends.....you know ; )

Me: (I didn't actually write anything I just sat there thinking huh? and as I was thinking this a picture began loading to my screen.....)

Micah:

Fw: My Big Juicy Italian D***.... In case you were curious!

Yes that is correct ladies and gentlemen he sent me a dick pic! Of course his picture was a real picture and not a beautifully rendered one in Adobe Illustrator and lightly blurred for your viewing pleasure. No his was real alright.

I sat there in absolute shock. I was basically trying to end things with him and he sent me this. I don't know if that's like an f*** you here's what your missing or a last try to get me to stay?!  All I know is that I sat there in horror and disbelief for 2 min and then began calling every girlfriend of mine to tell them the unbelievable story.

The weirdest part about it is that his picture was a forwarded message... I don't know if that means it's someone else's dick pic that he was sending around as his, or perhaps he had already sent it to some other fine lady, or perhaps someone else took it sent it to him and then he sent it to me. I really wasn't up for asking him so it still remains a mystery to this day.

Fun with Numbers

I have recently found out that I have apparently been very naive as to how men really feel about women.  After my first boyfriend who showered me with compliments to my beauty, sexiness, cuteness, and all around physical appeal, I had no idea what was really going on in men's brains.

Harry (my summer boyfriend of 2010) and I had a few conversations after we broke up; one of which ended the opportunity for us to continue to be "friends".  He was telling me about his friend's new girlfriend he kept telling me that "she is a total 10 like wow, can't believe how hot she is, she is a 10." I really didn't understand what he meant, I mean I'm not stupid I had an idea. Well I made the mistake of asking, "What do you mean she is totally a 10?" "Well, all girls fall on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 are girls that the idea of just touching them makes you sick to your stomach, like you don't even want to look at them, and then 10 is like as hot as it gets. She's skinny, has the long legs, the perfect breasts and ass, and when she shakes her hair from side to side you practically cum in your pants." (Those might not have been his words exactly but it's pretty close.)

Bigger mistake I followed with the "So where do I fall on the scale? What number am I?" "Well you'd probably be like a 6.5 to 7." I was kinda shocked I mean I'll be honest with myself I know I'm not a ten but I mean hell this guy dated me for four months and couldn't wait to get in my pants I figured I was atleast an 8-9. Continuing to fall down the hole I added "And if I got a breast job? Then what number would I be?" "Oh probably an 8 or 8.5." I laughed... and quickly changed the subject but it wasn't till sometime later that I realized how hurt I was and mostly how shocked. I did not take him to be someone that shallow.

I came to realize how much this conversation damaged me when I started seeing someone else, my new and first friend with benefits Nick. One day Nick and I were talking and it suddenly dawned on me I no longer felt like the all inclusive sexy, beautiful, cute, innocent, and mysterious woman my first boyfriend made me out to believe I was. Again falling into the trap of my emotions and curiosity I brought up the conversation I had had with Harry to Nick. His response was "Yeah, all men have a scale. Most of them are 1 to 10, but every man's scale varies, like what I would call a nine another guy might call a 4."

I was actually shocked, Nick being a sweet somewhat innocent though attractive nerd, I was not expecting him to have the same reasoning as Harry. And even more so he revealed that he and other men compare numbers. This time I did not make the mistake of asking him what number I was; especially because he added "When I find a 10 I'll marry her" and we had already made it clear we were in no way heading towards marriage let alone a girlfriend boyfriend relationship.

Later that week I told one of my girlfriends about my new discovery on how shallow men are she told me that her husband had a scale too, although his was 1-4, and he had told her she was about a 3. Again I was floored, I was expecting her to tell me "No not all men are that way." Her husband, probably the nicest sweetest guy I know, he too has a scale.

I just can't believe it! All this was going on and I had no idea, I mean I have had minor body image issues before and now I find out that they all have scales! Scales to rate us and judge us. Not only are women sex objects we are also NUMBERS!

Dating is such a disaster.... I long for the day when I can find another man who see's me for who I really am Beautiful, Sexy, Cute, Innocent, Mysterious... Romantic........Me!

Monkey Business: Part 2

So surprisingly enough after that first date with Micah and his stuffed monkey (backpack), I actually agreed to a second date. For our second date we agreed to go see a movie, we narrowed it down to a few options and then I got to pick (good sign?). Of course since it was my final decision we saw a romantic comedy I think it was Something Borrowed. Everything good so far until we sat down in our seats.

He almost immediately grabbed my hand and held it in one hand while the other arm began to lightly pet it. Although a little awkward I new he was attempting to be sincere, right? Then the movie started and the constant petting continued, 30min into the moving and he was still going the same 5inches of my forearm. You now that feeling where your skin feels red and irritated although it isn't actually red on the surface. I'm not sure how else to describe it but suddenly all I could focus on was my arm and how much I wanted to scream stop, stop touching me. At one point I unwrapped my fingers from his tucked my arm against my waist and held his hand with my other hand. That worked for awhile but then he got up to go to the bathroom. I was like OMG Thank you!

A took this opportunity to pull my feet up into the chair with my knees up and then leaned on the arm rest opposite of him. When he came back, however, he shifted my legs so that my feet were back to the ground, grabbed my arm, interlaced our fingers, and began petting my arm again. I have to admit that really bothered me I should be free to sit however I want to sit, seriously WTF.

The second the movie ended and the credits started I ripped my arm loose from his, grabbed my purse, and was ready to run. At this point my arm had actually turned red!