Dating your EX

Have you ever found yourself on a first date with your ex? 

My first serious attempt at dating someone after I broke up (for the final time) with my ex was with a guy named Jacob. I had met him on plenty of fish and after several email exchanges we decided to meet up. He was a creative writer (same as my ex) and he was going to attend a conference/convention for writers at a hotel near my house. We both thought we would take his proximity to our benefit and meet at the hotel for coffee during one of his breaks. He met me at my car and then we walked to the hotel together. While walking I noticed that he was wearing jeans, a dark pin stripped button up, and black shoes with a white logo. Exactly the kind of outfit my ex would wear and literally the same exact shoes. I shook it off as an odd coincidence…

Over coffee, I realized that it wasn’t just the clothes. The way he talked, the questions he asked, how he talked about himself, how he interacted with the other writers, his expressions, the color of his hair, the glasses… all of it was the same. At one point an author that he especially admired walked by and he excused himself to say hi. The way that he approached him, what he said about the author and what he said about himself was all the same. His body language was exactly the same.

I didn’t stay too long, and went home totally weirded out. When he called me the next day to ask me out on another date I knew I couldn’t go through with it. Instead of telling him that he was my ex in a different body I lied and told him that I wasn’t ready to date again and that I was still hurt from my ex. The sad part was he was super sweet and considerate, but I never saw him again.

A potential new read

While searching profiles recently a guy listed the following book as his current read.  I have to admit I was interested and thought I'd share it here (as it seems fitting).  I think I may pick it up after I finish my current read. I'll let you know if anything inspiring comes from it.

Manning Up: How the  Rise of Women has Turned Men Into Boys
By Kay Hymowitz

"Women complain there are no good men left—that men are immature, unreliable, and adrift. No wonder. Masculine role models have become increasingly juvenile and inarticulate: think of stars like Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell, or the dudes of the popular Judd Apatow movies. There are no rules for dating and mating. Guys are unsure how to treat a woman. Most importantly, dating in the pre-adult years is no longer a means to an end—marriage—as it was in the past. Many young men today suspect they are no longer essential to family life, and without the old scripts to follow, they find themselves stuck between adolescence and “real” adulthood. In Manning Up, Kay Hymowitz sets these problems in a socioeconomic context: today’s knowledge economy is female friendly, and many of the highest profile areas of that economy—communications, design, the arts, and health care—are dominated by women. Men are increasingly left on the outskirts of this new, service economy, and take much longer to find a financial foothold. With no biological clock telling them it’s time to grow up, without the financial resources to settle down, and with the accepted age of marriage rising into the late 30s or even 40s, men are holding onto adolescence at the very time that women are achieving professional success and looking to find a mate to share it with. A provocative account of the modern sexual economy, Hymowitz deftly charts a gender mismatch that threatens the future of the American family and makes no one happy in the long run."

With Chivalry Dead is Romance Next?

As women have taken a stronger role in the dating scene and are learning to embrace our own sexuality, have the standards for men’s behavior declined? Men now wait for women to make the first move, kiss without being invited and before dating, expect sex early (okcupid most men say after the 3^rd date) , have stopped coming up with creative romantic dates, have stopped paying for dinner… What ever happened to courting a woman?

Although I personally enjoy playing a stronger role in society and in love affairs there is still a (large) part of me that wishes men stayed true to some of the older standards. I feel as though when we jump to kissing and sex so quickly it takes away some of the heated anticipation, the mystery, the butterflies. I want butterflies! I want to be nervous and excited the first time I undress you… and why is it that we jump straight from kissing to sex? What happened to just getting to see someone topless, and then getting to see someone naked, and then getting to have sex with them… I like the drawn out…what’s going to happen next. Instead it just happens all at once shirt pants underwear gone sex done and you’re out the door… What happened to learning someone else’s body, finding the freckles, scars, dimples and exploring parts of him one at a time.

I want to go back in time when the kiss was something special, something you gave someone you cared for, not some stranger you just met at the bar.

Match.com

Alright so I took your advice and joined match.com back in late June. Here is what I have found so far:

• The number of emails that I get is much fewer than on plenty of fish or okaycupid. (although the messages seem to be a little better)
• I'm actually a little more successful if I email guys first. Which is fine but means investing more time finding people.
• Winking is useless, I've never had someone message me after a wink
• I have been winked at by atleast three men over 50 (gross) and very few other men
• I would agree that men appear to be looking for something more serious
• The "Stir Events" feature that inspired me to join is not actually available in Seattle. It is only available in 31 cities nation wide. 
• It deletes your received emails, favorites, and winks every 30 days. Which kinda sucks.
• And the question you really want answered... How many dates? I have met three guys from match so far. 
• The first: I saw him for about a month but there just wasn't that spark, chemistry, romantic interest (whatever you wanna call it)
• The second: I went on a first date with a guy and it was clear that neither of us really had any interest in the other
• The third: The third guy I also went out with for about a month, 5-6 dates I think. I really thought it was turning into something great when it suddenly got totally fucked up. Ooops...

Well that's it so far. I'll let you know how Mr. Number 4 goes.

Location, Location, Location...

The other day I actually got this fairly sweet message:

Hello Yellowtail Damselfish, :) i hope you find love and happiness in 2013 :)
there may be a whole ocean between us but i hope it won't stop us from potential friendship :)
Kind regards
Mitch x 

The ocean that he referred to was actually an ocean and atleast one continent. He lived in the UK in a town named Plymouth; which OkCupid so nicely informed me was 4,747 miles away. Damn... Well, Mitch I hope you too find love and happiness this year!

This time it might have been me...

So I went out last night to a bar to meet a coworker and her friends and listen to a few bands play.  The night was going as expected a few drinks, a few bands, a few random comments from guys, and one nice compliment from a lady in the bathroom. It was getting late and my friend had decided to leave, I thought I'd stay to hear some of the last band. Within seconds of them leaving this guy came up and started talking to me. He seemed nice enough, he had moved here from Mazatlan, so we talked about traveling and Mexico. I got to practice some of my Spanish, and although I was terrible he smiled and helped me with the words I had forgotten. Things were going fine and I was enjoying having someone to talk to.

After a bit he decided to go get another drink and said he'd be right back, he then turned towards me and gave me a hug, then a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the lips which became longer and longer. Then he left and said he's be right back.

The funny thing is is that I immediately felt a strong disappointment. It wasn't that it was a bad kiss it's just that it wasn't at all what I wanted. I wanted to sit and talk about music and traveling and continue to practice Spanish. I didn't want kissing and making out; and I knew that as soon as he returned that would be his expectation. Why is it that men these days just kiss women 1. without even asking (verbally or physically) and 2. before any form of relationship or connection is made. It just bothers me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like having an awkward "no actually, I'd appreciate it if you didn't kiss me now" conversation and by conversation I mean yelling it at him and hoping he understood what I was saying over the loud rock music.

So... I left.

Yep I just got up and walked out and didn't look back. I felt awful but I really just needed to get away.

The extra sad part is that I had already given him my number and I got a voicemail from him as I was pulling in the driveway at home. Here is what I could make out through the loud rock music in the background

"Hello, this is Emilio. I looked for you all over the place and I can't find you. I hoped to stay in contact with you, and maybe we can talk again. Thank you, I love you, bye."

Ooops, I'm so terrible.