LA Fit-n-ass

So awhile back just after I joined the gym I was getting several text messages and phone calls from them... You see they wanted to recruit my friends to the gym but I didn't give them my friends numbers I gave them mine; and thus I was receiving recruiting messages even though I was a member.  One of the texts I got (and the last) was as follows:

ass just for stopping by!
Call or text back what time
you would like to stop by and
I'll get you hooked up.

Paul
LA Fitness

I hadn't realized that the gym also gave out bootie... If I'd known that perhaps I would have joined earlier. So I called and asked for Paul to see if he could clarify his message to me. He denied that he sent the message and thought I must have deleted the first half. (I checked with my brother-in-law who was also getting the text messages and he got the same message offering up ass.)  To prove Paul wrong I drove to the gym and asked Paul and his manager to please acknowledge the text. Apparently the message was supposed to read Free Guest Pass just for stopping by.

The sucky part is after all this ring-amoral I didn't get any bootie, a free guest pass, or an apology for unwanted sexual texts.

Petite Lady!

For those of you who don't know me personally in order for this post to make sense, I must mention that similar to my icon, the Yellowtail Damselfish, I am fairly petite (under 5' tall). Since I believe in being honest my online profiles reflect this. I have received several odd emails or live chat messages regarding my size. Some just question it and think it was a mistake but others are a little more interesting and memorable:

Introductory Chat Message: You must get asked out by a lot of high schoolers
(In case you were curious; I've never been asked out by a high schooler. Even when I was in high school.)

Him: You're so small you could fit inside my pocket

Me: Depends on the size of the pocket I suppose

Him: I'm 6' 3" so my pockets are pretty large

(I've never tried to fit in a pocket before. Though, as my friends know, I do fit in a good sized duffel bag pretty easily)

Email: Would it be shallow of me to say I'm writing because I adore petite females or that your smile is the cutest thing ever?

(I'm not sure that makes him shallow, I am sure that it makes him male, I'm not sure that I responded to the email)

Email: I have a thang for short women! Want to get to know this 6'8" tall, romantic and sensual man? I'm a bad boy in good boy clothing!!

(6'8" wholly fuck, yeah I didn't respond to that one. Guys over 5'10" make me self conscious)

Should I say Yes?

A new funny email just arrived:

Your very beautiful, would you consider going to a formal ball event with me? I am Charles by the way...

I've never been invited to a formal ball... Should I say yes?

Monkey Business: Part 1

Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since I've posted. I have been trying to find the perfect time to reveal the monkey business stories and I think now might be good.

Where to start... I started talking to this guy online. He was a massage therapists, vegan (I'm a vegetarian so it kinda fit), and I think he played a music instrument of some sort. After talking a week or so we decided it was time to meet in person, our first date was to an Italian restaurant a place we could both find something to eat. He got there two minutes before me so when I arrived he was already seated. As I approached the booth I realized that there was something fluffy sitting next to him and once I got to the booth the fluff turned into a stuffed animal monkey. At first I thought perhaps he brought it as a gift which was cute but a little weird for a first date. Then (lets call him) Micah introduced me to the fluffy friend which was not just a stuffed animal but a stuffed animal backpack. The monkey backpack was named Jorge and apparently a close friend of his.

But it didn't end there... Jorge also contributed to parts of the conversation and gave me advice on what drink to order. Other than Jorge the date went very well, conversation was interesting, he was entertaining, kinda cute, and he paid for the dinner.

Then as we walked out he put on the backpack, except he put it on the front side (like a baby) so when he hugged me goodbye my breasts were pushed into Jorge's face. Awkward!

Hi

So today I got two new emails to my PoF account. I was kind of excited and went to check them. But I have to admit these were the most disappointing emails ever.

The subject line for both of them were Hi. Not a bad start, I usually go with Hello so I can't really disagree with Hi for a starter. Then I opened the messages and both of them were simple and sweet and said "Hi."

Seriously, you finally get the courage to message me and the only thing you say is hi... twice?! No: how is your day going, your profile says you like the outdoors what's your favorite outdoor activity, you have a nice smile, I am super cool and you should message me because I am super cool.

The crappy part is I get at least one of these a week, and I delete them all. I don't even look at their profile. Such a let down!

Profile Photos

So I've been getting more serious about the online dating thing recently and have found a very interesting trend in the photographs that men post of themselves. I can not explain to you just how many men post pictures of themselves in either or both of these scenarios:

In the bathroom mirror
Sitting in the driver's seat of what I assume to be their car

I conducted a random search of 25 men and found that 36% had pictures of them sitting in their car and 56% had pictures of them in the bathroom.  My advice to male readers (if there are any):

1. Wash the mirror in your bathroom before taking the picture
2. Hang a towel or pretty shower curtain a plain white bathroom wall with an empty towel hanger is depressing, sterile, and a bit creepy
3. Although I did appreciate the men who were being safe and wearing their seatbelt in the car it does make me a little nervous, were you driving while taking this picture?
4. Lastly... Find a friend and have them take a picture of you. I think pictures "in the moment" are more realistic and interesting

But who am I to judge, I am sure that several of the 56% of men that stand in the bathroom with their shirts off making kissy face to the mirror will find a woman to love them, it just probably won't be me. (It all depends on just how sexy the kissy face was.)

Subject: WOW!

Found this message in my PoF inbox this evening and had to share it with you all.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY MARRIAGE MATERIAL!!!


Can we meet so we can begin our honey moon sooner than later?

Running, biking, swimming, cooking, microbrews, and dancing like no one's watching are all fun!
Wanna meet up for coffee and determine if we should have another date?


Mike

p/s- I appreciate your honesty

I did not include the photographs that he attached to this message which were front and back views of himself in tighty whities through the bathroom mirror.  I think he said it first WOW!?