You know you're an unpaid prostitute when...

So awhile back I was endeavoring in a friends with benefits.  Which I must say did not last all too long and not for the reasons you might suspect. One of us did not start having feelings for the other, neither one of us fell for someone else or found a better friends with benefits, and one of us did not move away. It ended when I started feeling like an unpaid prostitute. I had no idea that there was such a fine line between friends with benefits and prostitution but yes I think it exists and yes I think I found it.

So to help other women see the warning signs I have written this list:

You know you are an unpaid prostitute when:

1. He doesn't really care if you orgasm

2. He doesn't care what you're wearing as long as it comes off

3. He no longer attempts to get you in the mood and instead simply states "It's go time!" or "Okay, I'm ready."

4. You always have sex at his place but you never have sex in his bed

5. He doesn't have much concern for your schedule or your sex drive

6. When planning on a next meeting he only considers his schedule and seals the time with "so see you next Tuesday for sex, though I won't be available till 6, so show up then." and then when 5:45 rolls around he says he's busy and could you push it to 7

7. He doesn't take you out in public unless you ask and make all the arrangements

8.  You're responsible for sex accoutrements (lube, condoms, lingerie)

9. He's embarrassed to tell his friends about your "relationship"

10. You no longer feel like a friend and that there is just benefits, except he's the one getting all the benefits

I hope this helps those of you out there who thought a friends with benefits would be fun and easy. Watch out before you now it... it's work but with out pay or benefits!

If you don't know what DP is don't ask!

Oh my goodness, I had to share this with all of you....  I got an email from PoF telling me that this guy wanted to meet me.  He was pretty cute, his profile was interesting, and I was kinda considering messaging him when I got to the bottom of his profile and found this:

DEAL BREAKERS

1) If you drink alcohol (even if it's just a glass of wine on occasion) Well Shit!
2) If you smoke or do drugs One I actually pass!
3) If you go out to clubs or bars Oops!
4) If you have friends who are guys. I don't have a single friend who is a girl, period. So obviously I don't want to date any girl who has friends that are guys, period! I don't want you to drop your guy friends for me, I am just looking for a girl who doesn't have guy friends to begin with. Well... depends on your definition of friend...
5) If you're still in school. I'm almost 29 years old so I prefer not to date anyone who is still in college. I have nothing against school but I'm ready to settle down and I'd like to be with someone who is past that point in their life. Never plan on going back to school ever!
6) If you have kids (I don't want kids, I'm just putting it out there as to not get anyone's hopes up) You don't want kids immediately or ever?

I will not make ANY exceptions whatsoever for any of these deal breakers, if you message me and you don't meet them, I'll simply delete your email. I guess it's a no then.

And then Holy Shit!!!! :

DISCLAIMER: Of course I come with a disclaimer! I very much enjoy sex (especially when it's with someone I love) and I consider myself very adventurous and kinky in the bedroom. I feel that an amazing sex life is part of the foundation for a lasting relationship. I HAVE A HUGE FETISH FOR DOUBLE PENETRATION OR 'DP' for short (if you don't know what it is, don't ask). It's also worth noting that DP involves two (or more) guys, as well as anal sex. If you don't absolutely love and fantasize about DP constantly (almost to the point where sometimes it's all you think about when it comes to sex), or you're prude, boring, or vanilla in the bedroom, I promise I am not the guy for you. I realize this is very blunt and forward of me to put out there, and probably even makes me come across as an ass, but honestly, I am tired of getting stuck in relationships with really boring sex, that's all. I want someone who has the same fetish as me!  

Wow I mean Wow yeah...... HOLY SHIT!!! 

Seeing that I don't spend every minute of my day thinking about DP and never really thought about in my life until reading this I'm definitely not the one for him. 


 Though hey if any of you ladies out there meet his deal breakers and are also in love with DP let me know and I can give you his username. Maybe you will be his one true love!

Older Men: Vincent!

So I have a new job as an office assistant/receptionist for a small business. Most of my business's clients are people in their 40-60's. This job has been eye opening in many ways but especially in the ways of older men. Apparently I am significantly more attractive to men in their 50-60's than those in their 20-30's.  Here is one such example:

Vincent:

Vincent goes everywhere with his dog Scout by his side (his dog is absolutely wonderful and probably the best trained dog I have ever met). The first time I met Vincent and Scout I couldn't help but pull myself away from my work to play and pet Scout. This led to Vincent and I chatting, mostly about Scout. In the middle of our conversation he stopped and said "What's your name again?" "Ms. Damselfish" "Well Ms. Damselfish, you are very cute!" "Oh thanks!" Then he looked down at Scout "Scout remember those chick magnet skills we worked on, you have my okay with this one."  We both laughed, me a little awkwardly. A few seconds later he was called back to my boss's office. On our way back he said to me "If you just happen to follow us home that would be okay."

About 2 weeks later he stopped into the office again. This time he was more direct and exclaimed: "You are just too cute I want to take you home with me." I smiled and changed the subject to Scout who was sitting at my feet giving me puppy eyes. It has been a fantasy of mine to date a guy with a dog and Scout was a great dog.... Unfortunately, Vincent was 60 (older than my own father). Too bad.

Oh and later that day when I told my boss about Vincent's harmless advances he told me that Vincent was married... F***ing men. Though I suspect the next time Vincent comes in and compliments me it will still bring a smile to my face.


Oh and if you want to see why I gave it a second thought look up german shepherd and shiba inu puppies!

Monkey Business: Part 3

HINT: SCROLL SLOWLY!!!

So the moment you've all been waiting for: How things ended with me and Micah!

Between the first and second date and after the second date, Micah began texting me 3 times a day. Once in the morning to tell me good morning. Usually around 7am. Then around lunch time he liked to tell me what he had had for lunch and always asked what I was having. Then in the evening he'd either asked me how my day had gone or let me know he was going to bed. Almost all of these text were also accompanied with a Sweetie or Honey or Cutie Pie. Which frankly was starting to creep me out.

But one day all of this changed:

Micah: Hey how was your day?

Me: Pretty good, I had a job interview today, so I'm a little anxious.

Micah: Wow that's awesome!

Me: Yeah, I really hope I get it. I think it would be great

Micah: I'm sure you did great sweetie

Me: Thanks

Micah: So hey, I had a really naughty dream about you last night and can't stop thinking about you

Me: Wow, This might sound a little strange but I think this is going to fast for me

Me: I'm not ready to be your sweetie or have romantic (I meant sexual, well both really) feelings for each other

Micah: I could tell you felt that way

Micah: I was think we could be friends.....you know ; )

Me: (I didn't actually write anything I just sat there thinking huh? and as I was thinking this a picture began loading to my screen.....)

Micah:

Fw: My Big Juicy Italian D***.... In case you were curious!

Yes that is correct ladies and gentlemen he sent me a dick pic! Of course his picture was a real picture and not a beautifully rendered one in Adobe Illustrator and lightly blurred for your viewing pleasure. No his was real alright.

I sat there in absolute shock. I was basically trying to end things with him and he sent me this. I don't know if that's like an f*** you here's what your missing or a last try to get me to stay?!  All I know is that I sat there in horror and disbelief for 2 min and then began calling every girlfriend of mine to tell them the unbelievable story.

The weirdest part about it is that his picture was a forwarded message... I don't know if that means it's someone else's dick pic that he was sending around as his, or perhaps he had already sent it to some other fine lady, or perhaps someone else took it sent it to him and then he sent it to me. I really wasn't up for asking him so it still remains a mystery to this day.

Fun with Numbers

I have recently found out that I have apparently been very naive as to how men really feel about women.  After my first boyfriend who showered me with compliments to my beauty, sexiness, cuteness, and all around physical appeal, I had no idea what was really going on in men's brains.

Harry (my summer boyfriend of 2010) and I had a few conversations after we broke up; one of which ended the opportunity for us to continue to be "friends".  He was telling me about his friend's new girlfriend he kept telling me that "she is a total 10 like wow, can't believe how hot she is, she is a 10." I really didn't understand what he meant, I mean I'm not stupid I had an idea. Well I made the mistake of asking, "What do you mean she is totally a 10?" "Well, all girls fall on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 are girls that the idea of just touching them makes you sick to your stomach, like you don't even want to look at them, and then 10 is like as hot as it gets. She's skinny, has the long legs, the perfect breasts and ass, and when she shakes her hair from side to side you practically cum in your pants." (Those might not have been his words exactly but it's pretty close.)

Bigger mistake I followed with the "So where do I fall on the scale? What number am I?" "Well you'd probably be like a 6.5 to 7." I was kinda shocked I mean I'll be honest with myself I know I'm not a ten but I mean hell this guy dated me for four months and couldn't wait to get in my pants I figured I was atleast an 8-9. Continuing to fall down the hole I added "And if I got a breast job? Then what number would I be?" "Oh probably an 8 or 8.5." I laughed... and quickly changed the subject but it wasn't till sometime later that I realized how hurt I was and mostly how shocked. I did not take him to be someone that shallow.

I came to realize how much this conversation damaged me when I started seeing someone else, my new and first friend with benefits Nick. One day Nick and I were talking and it suddenly dawned on me I no longer felt like the all inclusive sexy, beautiful, cute, innocent, and mysterious woman my first boyfriend made me out to believe I was. Again falling into the trap of my emotions and curiosity I brought up the conversation I had had with Harry to Nick. His response was "Yeah, all men have a scale. Most of them are 1 to 10, but every man's scale varies, like what I would call a nine another guy might call a 4."

I was actually shocked, Nick being a sweet somewhat innocent though attractive nerd, I was not expecting him to have the same reasoning as Harry. And even more so he revealed that he and other men compare numbers. This time I did not make the mistake of asking him what number I was; especially because he added "When I find a 10 I'll marry her" and we had already made it clear we were in no way heading towards marriage let alone a girlfriend boyfriend relationship.

Later that week I told one of my girlfriends about my new discovery on how shallow men are she told me that her husband had a scale too, although his was 1-4, and he had told her she was about a 3. Again I was floored, I was expecting her to tell me "No not all men are that way." Her husband, probably the nicest sweetest guy I know, he too has a scale.

I just can't believe it! All this was going on and I had no idea, I mean I have had minor body image issues before and now I find out that they all have scales! Scales to rate us and judge us. Not only are women sex objects we are also NUMBERS!

Dating is such a disaster.... I long for the day when I can find another man who see's me for who I really am Beautiful, Sexy, Cute, Innocent, Mysterious... Romantic........Me!

Monkey Business: Part 2

So surprisingly enough after that first date with Micah and his stuffed monkey (backpack), I actually agreed to a second date. For our second date we agreed to go see a movie, we narrowed it down to a few options and then I got to pick (good sign?). Of course since it was my final decision we saw a romantic comedy I think it was Something Borrowed. Everything good so far until we sat down in our seats.

He almost immediately grabbed my hand and held it in one hand while the other arm began to lightly pet it. Although a little awkward I new he was attempting to be sincere, right? Then the movie started and the constant petting continued, 30min into the moving and he was still going the same 5inches of my forearm. You now that feeling where your skin feels red and irritated although it isn't actually red on the surface. I'm not sure how else to describe it but suddenly all I could focus on was my arm and how much I wanted to scream stop, stop touching me. At one point I unwrapped my fingers from his tucked my arm against my waist and held his hand with my other hand. That worked for awhile but then he got up to go to the bathroom. I was like OMG Thank you!

A took this opportunity to pull my feet up into the chair with my knees up and then leaned on the arm rest opposite of him. When he came back, however, he shifted my legs so that my feet were back to the ground, grabbed my arm, interlaced our fingers, and began petting my arm again. I have to admit that really bothered me I should be free to sit however I want to sit, seriously WTF.

The second the movie ended and the credits started I ripped my arm loose from his, grabbed my purse, and was ready to run. At this point my arm had actually turned red!

LA Fit-n-ass

So awhile back just after I joined the gym I was getting several text messages and phone calls from them... You see they wanted to recruit my friends to the gym but I didn't give them my friends numbers I gave them mine; and thus I was receiving recruiting messages even though I was a member.  One of the texts I got (and the last) was as follows:

ass just for stopping by!
Call or text back what time
you would like to stop by and
I'll get you hooked up.

Paul
LA Fitness

I hadn't realized that the gym also gave out bootie... If I'd known that perhaps I would have joined earlier. So I called and asked for Paul to see if he could clarify his message to me. He denied that he sent the message and thought I must have deleted the first half. (I checked with my brother-in-law who was also getting the text messages and he got the same message offering up ass.)  To prove Paul wrong I drove to the gym and asked Paul and his manager to please acknowledge the text. Apparently the message was supposed to read Free Guest Pass just for stopping by.

The sucky part is after all this ring-amoral I didn't get any bootie, a free guest pass, or an apology for unwanted sexual texts.